If you are having the same argument or conversation over and over again, follow the Relationship Communication Guide to drive new results. Rehashing the same issues repeatedly can take a toll on your relationship. Here’s what you can do to avoid having the same fights all the time.
In the 5 Questions Tune Up Video Workshop you will hear me reference a very important principle that has liberated me from the Doden School of Shutting Down and Blowing Up. 😊 Built on the skills of Compassionate Communication this principle can save you from taking things personally, end those repeating arguments before they start and elevate your relationships to a new level of respect and appreciation. When we can remember that we’re all human and doing the best we can with the awareness and skills (or lack thereof) that we have and here’s the meat: Underneath our reactions, opinions and differences we all have the same universal needs, values, hopes and dreams:
> We all want our children to grow up safe, healthy and successful
> We all value honesty, consideration and respect in our dealings
> We all desire to have peace, happiness and ease in our lives
When we can hold our attention on these qualities- our common humanity and what matters most- we are more likely to be able to dialogue with one another in a way that leads to mutual respect and understanding. We are more likely to cooperate with one another from a place of choice and joy, rather than guilt or obligation. Instead of playing the blame game of “Who’s right”, we focus on building a quality of connection with ourselves and others that honors our respective feelings and needs. The first four sections of the video are all about developing your skills for implementing this principle.
That’s exactly where I started more then 15 years ago when I was desperate to stop spinning in reactions in my own life. I was erupting with anger, punching holes in walls and ruining my relationships! How did I get from there to here- you’ll hear about that in the video, but more importantly here are the skills that radically changed my life and relationships.
Many arguments and misunderstandings arise out of “waging words” that are easily heard as criticism and complaints. This undermines respect and our innate desire to contribute to one another. To end the blame game and optimize our chances of being heard and understood we hone our skills in the following 4 areas:
> Observation – state the FACTS vs making judgements, assumptions/interpretations/labels (J.A.I.L.)
> Feelings – vs. opinions or more J.A.I.L.!
> Universal needs or core values (what really matters to you)
> Requests vs demands
On the surface this 4-step process appears simple. However, replacing old habits of speech with new skills takes mindfulness and practice.
Just as certain language habits can block communication, there are also defensive reaction patterns that prevent us from really “hearing” each other. Hence why we often feel that someone “never listens to us.”
Defending our views, fixing, advising, storytelling, or simply discounting another’s feelings are all examples of habits that often cause friction and upsets and the repeating argument syndrome that ends with both people feeling , “you never listen to me!”
How We Listen is the most important skill set we can master. As you’ll see in the video, we focus our intention and attention on the other person’s humanness — their feelings and needs. When we can listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking we are less likely to react, become defensive or take things personal. We can stay calm, more centered and capable of having productive conversations.
Empathic listening is both an art and a skill that takes practice. We never assume we know what another person is thinking or feeling, because, as Henry Winkler (The Fonze!) once remarked, ”Assumptions are the termites of relationships!”
The key to being good at anything- whether you’re an athlete, a musician, boss or parent is being able to be fully present to the moment.
When we can speak and listen from a place that is free of blame, we build greater trust, understanding and good will that funds our relationship bank account. When we have a bigger savings account of trust built, we are able to weather through challenges more easily. We have established a way of talking things through that is grounded in caring, being kind, patient and remembering we’re equally vulnerable and human.
Just imagine, what would your relationships look like if you could share honestly and listen without reacting?
Why not start having more FUN and FREEDOM in your life sooner rather than later.
Contact Kristi for a 15 - minute phone consult to learn more today or use this promotional code to get a discount on The Five Question Tune Up Workshop.
